Help: My Partner Won't Push Back on Their Parents' Bad Takes

Send your queries in, and Pretty Good Advice will give it to you straight.

Dear Pretty Good Advice,

My partner and I have been together for a number of years and have enjoyed a very strong relationship. Recently, however, we have had conflict related to my relationship with their parents. They wish that I got along better with their parents, would spend more time with them, and enjoy that time more. They say that my inability to get along with their parents is becoming a major issue for them in the relationship.

To give some context, for the past few years I have been very focused on activism around Palestine — as well as other traumatic events in my life and the world — and I have a really hard time being around people who are not in some ways active, informed or caring about the genocide in Palestine, or the other traumas that come from living under capitalism in 2026. I am happy to see my partner's parents for dinner every now and again, or spend a day or two together for the holidays. But any time longer than that my internal battery combusts and I start to get very annoyed about the white liberal bubble I am subjected to. 

Because my partners' parents are liberals, my partner thinks I'm being unfairly harsh and judgmental (they're not conservative after all, they don't use racial slurs, they support LGBT rights). How can I convince my partner that liberals and conservatives are two sides of the same right-wing coin? And that, if they want me to spend more time with their parents, they should be more willing to confront them on their problematic attitudes? 

How can I encourage my partner to push back on their parents' problematic attitudes without becoming overly controlling or manipulative?

– Walker Johnson

Dear Walker,

Your quandary, at its core, is about navigating differences. In the best of times, this can feel like a Herculean task. I want Chinese for dinner and you’re craving Mexican food. Where does this leave us? And in the worst of times (read: present day), it can feel like impassable gulfs are growing between us. Overwhelmed by the distance, we feel like there are no available words or tools to traverse these vast distances. Besides, I like it over here. And, to be clear, we are entitled to our lines: distances, under no circumstances, we will trek. We are allowed to say: If you’re down with X, I am not down with you. But I don’t imagine you’d be writing in for advice if you were at this place. It sounds like there’s a part of you that wants to do the work of finding some common ground. 

You’re understandably frustrated with your partner’s parents for their “I-believe-in-science- wokeness.” At this point, we can all agree it’s boring, uninspired, and entirely missing the capital-p Point. And you’re wanting your partner to do more. I’m not sure, however, if the more that you’re hoping for (them speaking to their parents) is at the core of the relational work that’s important/meaningful here. 

Let’s assume the best case scenario: Say, for example, that your partner agrees to speak to their parents. Their parents hear them out, and they have a profound change of heart. The very next day, they are out the door to their local DSA chapter meeting. They even supply the snacks! As dreamy as this may sound, a part of me remains unsatisfied. Yes, we have more comrades in our midst, but still something doesn’t feel quite right.

So, what is this scenario missing? Maybe I am totally off, but I am picking up on something deeper happening between you and your partner. A sort of “it’s about this, but maybe it’s not totally about this type” of flavor. Sometimes we bring in a third party (the third party here being the parents) to mediate, avoid, or project something that is happening between us and another person. It’s often an unconscious process that allows us to deflect but often with little success and only temporarily. The shit inevitably hits the fan. So perhaps a good starting point here is for you and your partner to deepen your understanding of what the other is needing/wanting. Your partner has a wish that you will “get along better” with their parents. How are they defining this metric of closeness? Your partner wishes you “enjoyed” the time with their parents more. Although enjoyment can’t occur on demand nor be demanded, what makes them feel like you’re not “enjoying” the time? What are they picking up on? And, furthermore, what sort of relationship are they wanting you to have with their parents? What would a different kind of relationship mean to them?

Now you’re up. What does your “internal battery” combusting look like? Feel like? And what part of you is wanting your partner to confront their parents? Is it a part of you that doesn’t feel totally seen? A wary part? A frustrated part? Does it, perhaps, speak to a part of you that worries about misalignment – politically or otherwise – with your partner? If, as you say, your partner struggles to see how few shades separate liberalism from conservatism, then you are likely contending with some political differences within the relationship. There feels like a real opportunity here for deepening your understanding of each others’ needs/feelings/fears, not with the goal of arriving at a “solution” but instead with the sole purpose of hearing each other out. Mutual understanding, not agreement, is the hope.

And lastly, and perhaps (?) most importantly, it sounds like over the past few years you’ve done some important work making your way leftward. I’m curious — what did you need from others at the start of your own ideological shift? Ponder this one. It may create some openings — for humility, curiosity, and hope for your partner’s parents and beyond. I know I’m a little on my soap box here, but it really feels important that we hold the hope that others will join us on this side, both for the vitality of the movement and for navigating relationships with the people in our life (whether they be our partner’s parents or our misguided but well-meaning next-door neighbor with that sign) who have not yet made their way over. As such, we can all humble ourselves by remembering we were not always on this side of the gulf and we all still have a ways to go. So let’s gently and lovingly nudge people as they make their way over or at the very least, trust that they someday will. 

Over and out, 

Pretty Good Advice