Having Children Didn’t Make Me into a Conservative — It Made Me into a Socialist.

The older you get the more conservative you become — or so some say. I’m a suburban dad. My partner and I are homeowners. According to that old adage, I should be on a conveyor belt headed towards conservatism. But my experience couldn’t be more different. Becoming a parent changed me as a person and drastically changed my political views. I am now a socialist. And I am a socialist because I became a parent.

I grew up in a politically conservative family. My parents are Filipino immigrants who came to America in the 1980s. They were Ronald Reagan Republicans. But despite my father’s best efforts, I was decidedly not a conservative. As a millennial, the craziness of the world while I was growing up made me more progressive than my family. I started middle school the same week as 9/11. I graduated high school and started college right as the global economy collapsed. I graduated law school just as Donald Trump entered office for the first time. But nothing in my life would be as transformative to my politics as becoming a parent. 

When I married my partner in 2017, we were not at all ready to become parents. I joked with friends and family that I refused to have a baby while Donald Trump was president. But by the spring of 2021, Trump was no longer in the White House. My partner and I had careers, two dogs, a tiny condo and a huge mortgage. We survived COVID-19 with our health and marriage intact. We had seemingly checked all the traditional benchmarks of the young professional living the “American Dream.” We were ready to take the next step and start a family. By April 2021, we were pregnant with our daughter due that December. This is where my crash course on parenting within American capitalism began.

I wondered how anyone could realistically have a baby if they were underinsured or had no insurance at all. We had paid thousands of dollars, but were relieved that we didn’t have to pay more. How fucked up is that?

Non-parents and new parents alike might not realize the sheer number of doctors appointments associated with a pregnancy, even one that is considered healthy with no complications. My partner is diabetic, which requires additional doctor visits and medications. During the first trimester, we were going to the doctor’s office once a month. By the second trimester, we were going twice a month. By the end of her third trimester, there were appointments once or twice a week.

Despite being fully insured through her employer, there were still out-of-pocket costs. And one of the biggest sticker shocks was finding out how much actually giving birth would cost. By the time our beautiful daughter was born in November 2021, we had paid thousands of dollars out of pocket with insurance. I wondered how anyone could realistically have a baby if they were underinsured or had no insurance at all. We had paid thousands of dollars, but were relieved that we didn’t have to pay more. How fucked up is that?

To make matters worse, because of alleged abuse in the paid family leave program, the entire system was being audited. Benefit payments to our family and other families using California’s paid family leave were going to be delayed. We learned all about the problem of “means-testing” in real time. 

Before our oldest daughter was born, with the stress of working full-time and trying to make time for the required doctor’s appointments (and just generally turning our lives upside down), we also had to start planning parental leave. America is one of the only industrialized countries on Earth that doesn’t guarantee some type of paid family leave.  In California, we have a paid family leave program, but the program can only be used for a maximum of eight weeks, and it doesn’t cover your entire salary. We had a mortgage, student loan payments, and credit card bills, so any kind of a pay cut was going to be a real burden.

My partner worked for a company that offered paid parental leave — kind of. Instead of just continuing to cover her salary while she was on leave she would receive “top-up” pay. Essentially, her employer would cover the difference between California paid family leave and her salary. I worked at a small law firm that allowed me to take the time off and receive the California paid family leave benefits but offered nothing more than continuing to cover my health insurance.  

With a new baby on the way, we were staring over a cliff with huge gaps in our finances coming soon. We were lucky to have a bit of savings that we would end up burning through to make our finances work. Trying to navigate everything and stitch together a parental leave plan that would allow us to pay our bills and bond with our baby was beyond frustrating. 

All of this is bad enough, but the final straw for me was when my partner had to call the state to deal with a benefits issue. She couldn’t receive payments electronically because of a quirk in the state’s system. She hyphenated her last name when we got married and, for some reason, the state could not find her in their system. To make matters worse, because of alleged abuse in the paid family leave program, the entire system was being audited. Benefit payments to our family and other families using California’s paid family leave were going to be delayed. We learned all about the problem of “means-testing” in real time. 

Between the paid family leave issues and childcare costs, I had come to a fundamental truth about modern life in the US: this country has no desire to help new parents, even while capitalism is absolutely failing working families.

I will never forget the image of my partner, running on two hours of sleep, breastfeeding our newborn, tears in her eyes, on the phone with the state trying to figure out why we would not be getting our benefits on time. It was money that we needed to pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads. Money, I was sure, other families in the same boat needed to take care of themselves and their new babies.  Without the top-up pay my partner received from her company we would have been in real financial trouble. Eventually, the issues were resolved and we were able to keep paying our bills (sans most of our savings). We took our parental leave and bonded with our daughter for as long as we could. 

But the hits kept coming. As full-time working parents (without family or friends that could help because they all work full-time as well), we would need to enroll our daughter in daycare. Finding quality daycare providers who you can trust to watch your child is incredibly stressful. It’s also  extremely expensive, especially here in the Bay Area where it can cost thousands of dollars per month for full-time childcare. Unsurprisingly, the cost of childcare in the US is astronomical compared with other industrialized countries. And while there are tax credits and employer benefits, such as dependent care flexible spending accounts, that help with some of these costs, most families are simply left to fend for themselves when it comes to paying for childcare. 

Between the paid family leave issues and childcare costs, I had come to a fundamental truth about modern life in the US: this country has no desire to help new parents, even while capitalism is absolutely failing working families.

But I am also hopeful that the system will change soon. It’s no secret that people are fed up. Parents — present or soon-to-be — are frustrated by costs and by how little our government is doing to make life livable. Ultimately, this is why more working people are open to socialism than ever.

All the joy and excitement of becoming a new parent become slowly matched by the financial stress of becoming a new parent. And that is a direct result of a federal government that has no interest in helping working families and the weakness of corporate Democrats to be attentive to the needs of working people . Our government would rather give huge tax breaks to the wealthy and powerful than provide real support to working parents.

I recognize that my partner and I have a lot of privileges. California’s paid family leave program is better than the nothing offered to most families in America. We have jobs that pay us pretty good wages. But, we still work full-time for a living. We still have bills we must worry about. We still have student loan payments, credit card debt, and a mortgage.  And, as working parents, we have to pay thousands of dollars a year out-of-pocket for childcare.

After taking parental leave and emptying our savings we had to return to work as soon as possible with the added expense of paying for childcare. The financial burdens of having a new baby has made me realize that our family is a lot closer to poverty than we are to immense wealth. I learned that our social safety net is dotted with giant holes. Ultimately, having a baby has opened my eyes to the fact that the capitalist system has failed new parents. A new, better system is desperately needed. 

We live in a cookie-cutter subdivision, participate in neighborhood block parties, and dress up for trick-or-treating during Halloween. I decorate the outside of our house for the holidays with lights and inflatable decorations. My life screams that I should be more conservative. But I’m not. I am a socialist. And I am a socialist because I am a suburban dad.

As I write this I am in almost the exact same position I was in four years ago. My second daughter was born a few weeks ago. My partner and I are elated about our new baby, but financial stress has of course reemerged. Before she was born we were once again stitching together a parental leave plan based on the benefits my partner is getting from her company, and the California paid family leave program. My partner is at a new company that offers top-up pay–but only pays it out after she comes back to work. Once again, we are going to have to burn through our savings. Our oldest daughter starts public school this year and it is the only feasible way we could afford to have a second child. Part of the reason we waited to have our second child is because we simply could not afford to have two kids in daycare. 

But I am also hopeful that the system will change soon. It’s no secret that people are fed up. Parents — present or soon-to-be — are frustrated by costs and by how little our government is doing to make life livable. Ultimately, this is why more working people are open to socialism than ever. Democratic socialists are winning up and down the ballot lines, from Kate Wilson in Seattle, to Zohran Mamdani in New York City. Popular realization that socialist policies will make life more affordable, especially for parents, is here. 

I am a suburban dad. I drive a station wagon. I take my daughter to our local library and to dance classes. We live in a cookie-cutter subdivision, participate in neighborhood block parties, and dress up for trick-or-treating during Halloween. I decorate the outside of our house for the holidays with lights and inflatable decorations. My life screams that I should be more conservative. But I’m not. I am a socialist. And I am a socialist because I am a suburban dad.